“I drink cofee like water and i still never know what to say.
I still don’t know how to get out of bed half the time. It’s not pretty, or endearing.
I whisper you secrets, I am still looking to be saved,
sometimes I am so weak,
sometimes I am so strong,
here you go, I’ll give you everything for one more chance.
My heart is ugly,
but it could be all yours.”
I realized today, more than before, i don’t know who i am. I just know that i couldn’t be more frustrated, dissapointed, and angry with myself.
I’m not looking for pity, but i really just don’t feel good enough. For anything.
…
Sometimes trying to put things into words, or trying to explain them, don’t make sense one bit. You can say 1000 words, but not one will come out with the meaning or purpose you meant for them. There are certain circumstances, and things that no one will understand. Maybe one day they will see it in a different way, but as of now that’s not going to happen. I wish i could describe my thinking and how i feel about this. I just know almost for a fact, that it’s right. At first i was hesitant, and skepticle about it… But now i’m positive that i want it. I want it more than i can really ever describe. It seems as if it won’t work, but this is where my faith comes in. I can’t really fight what i know in my heart is meant to be. And maybe i could be wrong? But what better way to find out, then to actually give it a try. I have as much time as i need, and i’m not in any kind of rush. I’m not patient at all, but for you it’s worth it. I just know, you make me happy… And i don’t get these feelings for just anybody.
“Yeah you want it but I can’t help it, I just feel completely when you’re by my side.”
I don’t tell anybody everything. I never will. Not that i don’t nessisarily ‘trust’ the people i love, i just believe that everybody is entitled to their own secrets. Sometimes it’s best to keep it that way.
“My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I’ll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though i can’t understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames”
After High School?
I’m actually really excited right now. I think i finally may have found an interest that i want to go in to after high school. As much as i HATE english classes, and writing long boring essays, i want to study writing. Not exactly sure which kind of writing, probably my own stories? Or just writing about STUFFF. haha i’m still a little fuzzy on it all but it’s a step further than where i have been since sophomore year. & if that doesn’t go anywhere, i would still reaally like to try cooking. I haven’t got a lot of practice or anything at all. But i would like to give it a try and see if i can go somewhere with that.
“The water’s high, you’re jumping into it
And letting go and no one knows
That you cry but you don’t tell anyone
That you might not be the golden one
And you’re tied together with a smile
But you’re coming undone”
-taylor swift
I’ve realized that thing’s in life that we have a struggle with, and make it seem so hard to overcome.. won’t go away. The things that truely make us down and put us in our place are always going to be there. You can’t just ignore them, even if they seem to dissapear for a while.. they’re always going to be back. And even though i believe we can’t get rid of them, you can fight them. Trying to fight them is probably the hardest thing i’ll ever have to do. Those things that everyone has, that they don’t want to talk to anyone about, are what you have to learn to face, and hopefully find your own way to beat it.. so that even if it still is there, you’re standing on top of it, and it hasn’t defeated you.
Always Attract
“you’ve taken me to the top,
and let me fall back south
you’ve had me at the top of the pile,
and then had me kissing the ground”
i’m pretty much in love with this song. Funny how songs can explain exactly how you feel sometimes.
